The 2006 Tonsley Ski Tour to Tignes began ridiculously early with a dawn meet at Gatwick where tickets, Tonsley kit and luggage labels were handed out.
A logistical hitch at Chambery meant half the group travelled on a separate bus and after the inevitable promise that our luggage would find us at the other end, most of it did; on the other hand, some of it didn't leaving Giles Tebbitts uniquely grateful for the retro ski kit day to come, since without it he would have had no kit at all. Ever the gent, Giles bore his troubles with huge grace.
Chalet Les Tavaillons was waiting warmly for us and we were greeted by an eclectic looking chalet staff, seemingly without voices, offering funny looking canapés and the news that 'Thursday is our night off.' Well, that was clear then.
After this somewhat inauspicious start, and team visits to the photo booth, lift pass and ski hire shops, the holiday really got with a rumbustious evening meal, and loud opening proceedings. Rules & regulations were set out for the feature awards of the Shiny Trombone (awarded for moments of sheer class in the preceding 24 hours) and Dick of the Day (which needs no further explanation), and the intrepid tour party set about getting to know each other.
Up early the following morning, we hit the slopes in range of directions and at a range of paces, from the mountain goat to the novice. Conditions were good, edges were sharp and the team were looking hot (on the whole). And so it continued for much of the week.
We were blessed with good weather most of the time, and when this was not the case it was because it was snowing, which only went to make the following days even better, and of course allowed for the creation of Dave The Snowman; it was around this time that the food in the chalet noticeably improved and I am sure I was not alone in thinking that Dave #3 (or was it #4?) was a notch up from the original Dave The Chef.
As ever, there were many tour highlights, too many to remember, let alone record here in full, but a few golden memories include:
- The week long game of Murder initiated by Christian which incorporated every moveable object in the chalet, some bizarre homicide locations and a trail of dead bodies from mountain top to supermarket, resulting in Patrick winning through in the survival of the fittest (or the most devious).
- Particularly noteworthy were the arrival of Sarah as the Killer Smurf - a smiling little blue assassin - and, the high point within a highpoint, and I believe the Champagne Moment of the tour, the faked suicide by chocolate cake that Tim tricked Woolfy into performing on himself.
- A second, even sneakier game of Murder introduced by Lucilla leading to near apoplexy for an over-enthusiastic Woolfy.
- The sheer class of the Retro Ski Kit day, from prototype mobile phones, to lurid 'Opal Fruit Sick' patterned salopettes, to Big Glasses. Truly, truly vile…
- There may be only One Dave the Chef (thank the Lord) but it turned out there is more than one form of Gibberish, as Gilo and Jodie discovered a shared interest in talking bollocks.
- A classy night out at a local restaurant, so good I have forgotten its name.
- A guided tour around the local gay bar.
- The cooking on the day the staff had off.
- Moving the same Tonsley Totty top over five sets of breasts in the one evening, including one especially game girl called Collette who got on all fours and actually growled for the camera.
- The inexhaustible charm and good humour of Anthony Dutton, who had all day whilst the rest of us were up the mountain to think up the next set of awkward, deeply personal questions with which to interrogate people over dinner. To be fair, he did also come up with some cracking drinking games!
All in all, it was a terrific week. We survived every attempt to poison us and enjoyed some excellent skiing. Many thanks to Floody for his organisation and conscientious leadership, and now to the Reunion on 16 June!
Rupert
VIDEO MONTAGES
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PHOTOS
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See the gallery below or watch the photo slideshow.
PRE-TOUR
TONSLEY SKI TEAM 2006
For the record, an introduction to the Tonsley tourists:
Simon Woolf
Tour connections:
Tonsley: one whole quarter
Married Floody's cousin… lucky boy.
As Woolfy declared on a cold and miserable day in Chamonix, he is really only a fine weather skier these days. This March trip will undoubtedly see him at his best therefore. Although quite how good his best is remains open to debate.
Living in denial of all things 'Top Gun', Woolfy will struggle with Eighties Day.
Ringleader of the notorious 'Ring of Fire'.
Giles Tebbitts
Tour connections:
No less than 1,628 entries to Tonsley caption competitions (per competition). A recent Time Team recruit.
A well-established member of the London Comedy Circuit, Giles is our resident stand-up comedian. In this case though, Giles has been signed up entirely on the basis of his linguistic aptitude. Following several trials of his 'Gibberish' language, most notably in Rome where it was used to great effect in defusing verbal conflicts, Giles appealed to Westminster to instigate a campaign for Gibberish to replace Esperanto as the European Union's common-language.
James Strenner
Tour connections:
Floody's flatmate and victim of household Tonsley paraphernalia.
Emma's bad choice.
This is not the first time Strenner has been associated with two planks. As a child, his father told him that he was as thick as two short ones. Nevertheless, Strenner takes to snow like a hippo does to mud: slowly, with a waddle and spends most of the day submerged in it.
Known to befriend children on chair lifts before chucking them off.
Emma Smith
Tour connections:
Floody's flatmate and admirer of household Tonsley paraphernalia.
Strenner's lucky catch.
Emma is relatively new to planks (bar, of course, the two short thick ones she goes out with). She took to skis for the first time in 2005 but, alas, under the coaching of Strenner. Her quest this year then must be to undo his bad teaching and learn from Floody. Emma will look elegant on the slopes even if head-first in the deep.
A reluctant, but inevitable, Tonsley Totty.
Lucilla Sharpe
Tour connections:
Introduced care of Pedro, and thankfully his saving grace.
Previously a Time Teamer.
A far more useful bet for those seeking medical attention than the fraud of Pedro's honoury 'doctorate'. That said, with an important skiing agenda to maintain, she's probably more likely to plonk you down in the cinema room for the week than cast your broken leg.
Apparently, "quite a good skier, alas not as good as me" (Peter Bullock, 2005). We doubt it.
Lina Raether
Tour connections:
Tonsley Totty (Ireland).
The reason we let Darty come.
Having recently lived in the Emerald Isle, Lina comes to the tour in tip-top Guinness drinking form.
Judging by her choice of man, she must be tolerant, great fun and happy to live life on the edge (Pedro Sliders - take note!). By the looks of things, she has a slightly better dress sense than her other half too.
Apparently a boarder. Oh well - can't have everything then.
Jodie Morgan
Tour connections:
Tim's best asset.
Tonsley Totty (Thailand).
Jodie is a welcome addition to the tour, not least because she's one of the few people on this earth that can control Tim.
A bit of a dark horse on the slopes, we suspect - claims to be "pretty crap", but probably just a cover up.
No stranger to an evening tipple or two and likely to keep the party going long into the night.
Claire Loftus
Tour connections:
Rupert's cousin.
We admire Claire's blind faith. She has no idea what she has really let herself in for. Will she join the realm of nutters that frequent the Tonsley circuit or will she in fact kill her cousin for dragging her into this madness? One way or another, the pressure's on.
Famous for her role in that notorious banned Tango ad (see photo). Yes, you'll know when you've been tangoed! You've been warned… cover your ears.
Ed Irvin
Tour connections:
Another long term victim of Woolfy's childish ideas and therefore relatively unperplexed by all things Tonsley. One-time resident of the infamous No.10 Tonsley Place. Now found relative peace again over the road as Pedro's flatmate. Devout Time Teamer.
Eddie I likes his skiing and is likely to be a difficult customer to please with a CV that includes some of the finest resorts on our planet. In addition to skiing though, Ed's hobbies include "reading" Loaded, commiserating with Chester City and fly catching (see photo). Only dietary requirement is "plenty of beer". Truth be told, Ed will drink everyone else under the table. No contest.
Tim Flynn
Tour connections:
School buddy of Rob and Floody and unsurprised observer of Tonsley developments. Jodie's patient.
With no limits to Tonsley resource, we deployed our resident Army officer to Tignes with his troops in January to recce the joint. Tim now claims he's "had enough bombing down the slopes for one season" and is ready to "mince about on the baby slopes". Hmmm.
Tim is probably the only man on earth that can rival Woolfy for volume. In fact, it has been suggested that Tim should ski with an avalanche warning sign strapped to his back. Best to take heed of the warning in advance though and let him ski alone.
Andrew Flood
Tour connections:
A quarter of the Tonsley Events tomfoolery, considerably more of the brains.
Floody will happily listen to your tour commendations (while Woolfy will handle your complaints).
Likes a quiet mountain and inclined to force his point by using his poles as spears, attacking mountain undesirables. Yes, a dubious skiing style but should run well in the Eighties session. Often wears his mother's trousers.
Also known as Gollum, Dobbie and Jar-Jar. How wude!
Victor Fauvelle
Tour connections:
Anna's significant other.
At school with Rupert, Brutus and Joe. (That's blown it.)
Renowned for his verve and splendour, Victor skis with panache. He is also notorious for taking huge lunches. Might rival Eddie I as tour drinker, but only if he can successfully manage to navigate the slopes après-luncheon. Stay out of his way in the afternoon as he has been known to wipe out entire ski classes without noticing the impact. Unstoppable. Unforgivable. Bloody dangerous. Nice one.
Anna Fauvelle
Tour connections:
Victor's boss.
Tonsley Totty at the ready.
Will impress in a 'Crystal Carrington' ski outfit. Be warned though, she is the only girl in a family of six - and her brother's aren't small!
Famous in the French Alps for her incredible resource when the Chamonix triple-chair lift broke down just short of the peak in 1998: determined not to waste an inch of the slope, Anna monkey-barred the final 800 yards to the top along the cable. Genius.
Ness Dutton
Tour connections:
Ant's wife/mother.
Tonsley Time Teamer. Tonsley Totty (Germany).
One to watch, Ness. With the kids at home and husband back at the chalet, Ness is on a free run.
Thrives on chorus singing and, in particular, 'The Sound of Music'. Should therefore feel very much at home in the mountains and dressed in curtains. Yes, happy days: the hills are alive with the sound of Ness. (If Woolfy ever shuts up.)
Ant Dutton
Tour connections:
Ness' problem.
Tonsley Time Teamer.
Ant has openly declared that he has no intention of skiing on this tour but will be putting his resource to "good use" in "helping" the chalet girl.
Not sure she'll be so taken with his take on 'ring of fire' (beans induced).
Then again, not sure he'll be so taken when he discovers the chalet is actually run by an elderly gay couple. Let's see how many cakes Ant bakes then!
Andrew Dart
Tour connections:
Rob's old uni-housemate and dedicated Tonsley party supporter.
Lina's project.
Looking forward to Eighties Day as an excuse to wear his everyday ski wear without drawing verbal abuse.
Odds on favourite to win the contest.
Darty's hobbies include sailing naked round Lake Windermere and eating Pedigree Chum with a trowel. Nice.
Pete Bullock
Tour connections:
Tonsley Veteran. Eddie I's flatmate. A doctor of sorts, albeit not as useful as his girlfriend Lucilla.
AKA Dr Pedro Sliders, a name that originates from Pete's ski technique and his incredible ability to slide into turns without cutting an edge. Rumour has it, he once skied down a 6 kilometre run without once using his edges.
These days, more likely to be seen sitting alone cross-legged on a precipice.
Renowned Elvis impersonator and self declared "gigantic ponce". A little less conversation and a little more action, please Pete.
Rob Bruce
Tour connections:
Tonsley: one whole quarter.
Once known as 'Waddy' - now more likely to be found stuck in one. Nevertheless, Rob will come to the party with all the gear. A snowboard for fresh powder, a snowboard for icy pistes, a snowboard for state occasions and a snowboard for parking his arse on the slope. Needless to say, with each board there will be matching jackets, trousers and lippie together with an assortment of sunnies to match a variety of snow and visibility conditions. All-in-all, 624 varied combinations of kit. And that's just one of many kit obsessions… don't get him started on his collection of hedge trimmers. Cantankerous old git.
Paddy Bruce
Tour connections:
Tonsley Events have exclusive rights to host his 21st birthday party in 2018 (sign up now in the Future Events section).
Paddy's first shot at skiing will undoubtedly show up a number of apparent old-timers here. Let's hope he takes after his mother and not his ageing Uncle Rob.
Indisputably the tour's 'YT' and will no doubt impress in this department where the generations that have gone before him have failed. Fearless fella and cheeky monkey. Stay high and let him go first.
Niki Bruce
Tour connections:
Tonsley: one whole quarter's other half.
Ever indebted to Tonsley for the event where she found her man.
Tonsley Totty (Canada).
A bit like Liz Hurley, Niki has enough outfits for three changes a day. She's a bit accident prone - we recommend a helmet (and brown knickers!).
Has been known to appear in alpine Jacuzzis with a see-through Tonsley Totty top. Hence the request for the chalet's hot tub.
Once parked her Smart Car in the Thames - not so smart!
Joe Bruce
Tour connections:
Another quarter of Tonsley. Georgie B's other half (who, incidentally, has been left behind to look after newly born Joe Junior!).
Skiing ponce - show, not skill. So much so, that he can often be found skiing in a kilt. Fortunately, as an avid snow-plougher, Joe can't muster the speed to make this a problem for easily-shocked, dainty skiers. That said, the wind did once catch his kilt on a drag lift although the observer declared "nothing to report".
Likely to be central to all forfeit appointments, but strangely never take one himself. Manipulative - be warned.
Christian Bruce
Tour connections:
Joe's niece, Rob's sister, Floody's cousin and Paddy's mum, she's connected to all the best bits. Tonsley Totty (Menorca).
Has the unique ability to be able to ski with her bum two inches off the ground - a tactic she devised to minimise the pain of the fall. Despite this, she has the ability of a Boa Constrictor to get herself into positions that will make your eyes water. Don't, for goodness sake, challenge her to the cornflake packet game.
An insatiable appetite to giggle and a first-rate chocolate fool sucker! Clearly, lots to learn here.
James Brotherton
Tour connections:
Occasional guest at Tonsley parties - and always the last to leave.
At school with Joe.
Riding out to Tignes on a pink ticket from his wife, Brutus is on a free reign and therefore likely to be little unpredictable, certainly uncontrollable and generally insubordinate.
Has since got rid of his camp moustache but apparently still skis with very limp wrists. Eighties outfit will be interesting - if he understands the concept and doesn't turn up in his MCC bufty trilby, blazer and slacks.
Rupert Bell
Tour connections:
Another of Joe's old school cronies.
An enthusiastic new Time Team recruit.
Rupert signed up to the Tonsley Time Team for a "quiet weekend away", turning down tickets to Twickenham in the process. He got quite the opposite but was clearly persuaded that a Tonsley Ski Tour was going to be worth any such similar sacrifice, signing up in full on the day of return. Bit of an unknown quantity on the slopes - cards held close to his chest. Apparently he skis like he has a walnut stuck up his arse - hoarding little squirrel! Usually the last one up. Rather partial to muffins.
