For a brief but glorious period, Tonsley Events have invited the wider world to say deeply uncharitable things about selected photographs from the archive – and we have even offered actual prizes for doing so.
What began in 2001 as a daft one-off somehow got extended, with a range of highly questionable images, captions of-their-time-and-maturity (has this changed?), and (similarly retro) prizes that have often been far more generous than the competition deserved.
Caption Competition I
1 March 2001 · Winner: Robin Bowers
WINNING CAPTION
Rob got the wrong end of the stick when Joe bet him he couldn’t handle two fags at once.
– Robin Bowers
The Verdict
So having been put up in a swanky hotel and eaten nothing but caviar for weeks, the jury finally returned to give its verdict. And boy was it a controversial one.
To a hushed silence, the expectant crowd held its breath as the head judge rose to his feet and opened the spangly gold envelope. As a drop of perspiration formed on his brow, his eyes dropped to the card and he paused to clear his throat…
…for those who are interested, the last competition was won by Robin Bowers of Las Vegas US (previously of Staffordshire England) with his caption “Rob got the wrong end of the stick when Joe bet him he couldn’t handle two fags at once”. The lucky blighter was in England recently and returned home with the prize, a blooming nice camera, carefully stashed away in his luggage. We have archived the photo and other entries for the record.
The Original Competition
Well, here it is: your chance to slag off Robert Bruce and win a swanky little camera in reward. How easy is that?!
Simply conjure up an appropriate caption for the photo below for your chance to get hold of this Canon IXUS X1 worth £130. A chic little number, this camera uses the latest Advanced Photo System films, has auto focus and a built in flash. You can even take it swimming – groovy babe!
Some of the best…
Rob’s “fag up the bum” gag goes badly wrong.
Floody
Rob’s only chance of a shag these days is to get his Siamese twin shit faced.
Robbo
Rob’s Kenneth Williams impression lands him his first snog for 6 months.
Robbo
Get back in line sailor and stop standing to attention. No buggering between ranks man, you know Her Majesty’s rules!
Woolfy
Formula One advertiser is caught in a loving embrace with his lover!
Nutty Netty
Rob’s first mistake in Formula 1. He could have sworn they told him to take the chequered fag!
Robbo again, I’m afraid
Bruce, you’re nicked for obtaining goods by deception for misappropriate use.
Inspector Gotcha!
GOVERNMENT WARNING: Cigarettes can seriously damage your partner.
Chingu
“Mon petit Jock” come ere and I’ll give you a big kiss having buggered you senseless on the rugby pitch.
JP
“Pete, get off! All I want is to get my cigarette out of your arse!”
Rob himself!
Size matters.
Liz
…while his partner drew the card with a cigarette.
Anon.
At that moment in walked Rob’s father.
Anon.
Oh god, I’m getting a stiffy.
Anon.
Rob eventually persuaded his friend that if he clenched the cigarette-end tightly between his buttocks he could definitely inhale!
Richie and Rachael
The marines taught me this! It’s the moisture that makes the fag burn slower – it doesn’t taste too good though!
Angus
It all went pear shaped when Rob asked if he could bum a fag off the waiter.
Robbo (in need of a camera, obviously)
After an initial struggle he managed to pull the cord causing his assailant to deflate.
Simon Martin
Mork has been showing Rob how they smoke on Ork.
Philip Bickley
Rob got the wrong end of the stick when Joe bet him he couldn’t handle two fags at once.
Rob “please can I have the camera” Bowers
Caption Competition II
1 August 2001 · Winner: Guy Jones-Owen
WINNING CAPTION
Taily: “I can’t believe he swallowed the fncking lot.”
Robbo: “Mn nmnnmmm mmn mnmmmn.”
– Guy Jones-Owen
The Verdict
As was rumoured in the press recently, the second caption competition has indeed closed. The winner – a certain Guy Jones-Owen won with suitably smutty lines.
Quite how it took so long for someone to come up with that is beyond us, but there you go. Anon’s effort regarding “brown wings” also receive a Tonsley top mark.
The prize was recently given by Woolfy to Mr. Jones-Owen who, judging by the photo, had looked out his best suit for the occasion! Guy’s delight soon turned to despair however as it dawned on him that his new pride and joy would need to be carried across London as he returned home. A trip that wasn’t helped when he was kicked off one tube due to the nuisance that the skis were causing!
Guy tells us that his wife can’t let a day go by without a comment or two about the skis and the fact that they really look fantastic propped up against the hall wall next to the phone. Congratulations Guy, we hope they bring you much enjoyment in Enfield!
The Original Competition
As every good housewife will tell you, April is a time for Spring cleaning and generally sprucing up one’s environment. Whether it is a case of throwing out the old and bringing in the new, dusting and hoovering the remains of the winter away or simply updating ones website, it’s all got to be done!
And so it is with the TE Caption Competition. For the next 3 months, we will be offering the fantastic – if a little surreal – prize of a pair of Kastle skis. Those skiing aficionados amongst you will of course recognise the brand, but for those less experienced winter holiday-makers out there Kastle are a renowned manufacturer of “high quality” skis from (and say it quietly) Germany.
As used by the famous skiing and triple downhill winner in the mid-90s, Hermut Doffellganner (aka The Black Arrow), these skis have been proven by top scientists to improve both your turning, your speed and your control. Pretty whizzy heh? So if you want to look the Bees’ Knees next Winter here’s your chance.
By now you should know the form. Look at the picture and enter you caption in the box below. Before you know that tomorrow is Friday, it will be up in lights on this page. Couldn’t be easier could it? Good luck and get to it!
Some of the best…
Now then, where did I leave that Charlie?
Reevesey
With no more room on the window frame, Taily points to where he hangs his socks to dry.
Robbo – who would trade the camera for a nice set of skis!
Caption for the Pat Pat picture above: “Noddy shows off his new ultra cool image”
Robbo (No offence Paddy – you’re looking sharp there!)
As Taily entered the room, he wondered why Robbo looked so pleased with himself. It was only then that he realised someone had stolen his “mojo”!
Taily
Taily shows of his new remote controlled penis!
Daphne Woolf
Taily’s attempt to grow a goatee had disastrous side effects. Robbo was pleased he had shaved that morning.
Taily
When I said do u want a nibble of my savaloy I didn’t mean…
Anon.
I wish I had a 12inch, said Taily, then I wouldn’t have to lug this monster around!!!
Leo just checking in…
Yes – it was Robbo who put the itching powder in Taily’s boxer shorts
Robbo
Rob, the wannabe Yank, looked on with pity… that’s nothing compared to us prime US beef cakes.
Sacha P
Taily was thrilled to get his brown wings, for Robbo he was just another happy punter!
Guy
Taily: “I can’t believe he swallowed the fncking lot”
Robbo: “Mn nmnnmmm mmn mnmmmn”
Guy
Now Taily understood why accepting a bj from a man with a lockjaw problem was not a good idea.
Glen Tucker
Robbo had resigned himself to the fact that he was about to be de-flowered by Rick Astley’s body double.
Guy
Caption Competition III
1 December 2001 · Winner: Jeremy Salsby
WINNING CAPTION
Partygoers regret telling John Prescott he’s a big fat poof.
– Jeremy Salsby
The Verdict
Well, Caption Competition III was a messy one! Not only did it depict one of the Autumnal Charity Ball’s most controversial photographs but it has also created divide on the judges’ panel with two committee members each backing Jeremy and Big Mikey’s captions.
The decision was finally decided after a violent brawl in the sitting room at Tonsley Towers and Jeremy Salsy takes home a fantastic G-Shock watch courtesy of his caption.
(Nevermind Mikey – maybe next time.)
The Original Competition
We weren’t going to do another Caption competition – honestly. We were going to launch an interactive computer game that revolved around shooting blue, red and white paint at a moving picture of Osama Bin Laden’s pet donkey, but then we found this photo and we couldn’t resist it.
So folks, it is back. Caption Competition III! And this time we have a super-duper Casio G-Shock watch on offer to the wittiest caption writer. State of the art technology here: multiple alarms, world time, split second stopwatch, 200m water resistant, built in reminders, schedulers and microwave oven. It even tells the time!
So as Chris Tarrant would say: “Now you know the rules, take your time before you answer, think before you speak and don’t forget your lifelines!”. One tip you wouldn’t hear him say though, is that the smutty lines tend to be the winners! Enough said: good luck and get to it!
Perhaps made rather more amusing by the email received just after the Autumnal Charity Ball at which this photo was taken:
Floody,
Still recovering from Saturday night but we had a brilliant time and I wanted to say well done and thank you to you and the other guys for organising the event: it really was brilliant.
I was horribly drunk and fell over and now I have two very bruised elbows – not quite sure what happened there and I don’t wish to be reminded.
Hope all is well.
Lots of love
Georgie
Some of the best…
Her: “You were amazing!!”
Him: “I know and I didn’t even have to take your clothes off either!!! To the baaaarrrrrr.”
JP
Her: “Now how am I going to drink this without sitting up and having to look at that exceptionally ugly man again”
Him: “I have taken my tie off and still she doesn’t get the message”.
The Admiral
Once more she fell on the floor… and I think that she drank one to many! (to the tune of the Titanic theme)
Pablo (GG)
Him: “Christ, my jokes are even more boring than Jase Paul’s!!”
JP
Check this out boys – I’ve pulled a pink mermaid!
Wispy
“Come on Georgie – let’s go down to the Ward Room!”
Fwuddie
Unexpected casualties as Page 3 stunner Jordan does the twist.
Jeremy Salsby
Partygoers regret telling John Prescott he’s a big fat poof.
Jeremy Salsby
TV’s Richard Madeley denies Judy has a drink problem.
Jeremy Salsby
Who says a bit of Posh and Becks cant be entertaining?
Big Mikey
So, we had one hell of a shag and still didn’t spill a drop between us!
Robbo
…and of course… I was very… very… drunk.
Anon.
Caption Competition IV
1 December 2002 · Winner: Giles Tebbitts
WINNING CAPTION
Giles: “Eeeeeeh Pedro, Fat Sam’s bunked da speak easy, gotta keep low porkies forty days, forty nights. So they say, Chico and Danny splitters, so tell Jonny, nobody else. One for da money, two for da show, run wid dat money Pedro – buy low, sell high. Molitas, Tolitas, Tulpego, del fuego. Get da gist of da convo Pedro?” Pedro: “Que?… I from Barcelona.”
– Giles Tebbitts
The Verdict
Tonsley parties seem to fuel this section of the site with outrageous photographs with this, our fourth such competition being a product of the notorious Gangsterland Chicago party. But, this time our victim has had the last laugh and scooped the prize for the best caption as universally voted by the Tonsley mob.
On 22nd December 2002, Giles and a friend were two of the lucky few to attend the live final round of Popstars – The Rivals.
And rumour would have it that a certain record company representative heard Giles singing along and seized the opportunity to sign him. Nice one, Giles!
The Original Competition
So here it is. Our latest offering – and one that we hope will suitably stimulate your “old grey matter”.
Worthy of mention is Pedro making his second appearance as victim of this website’s audience following his debut in the very first Caption Competition. Oh, his parents are so proud.
But “Hang on!” (I hear you say), “What about the blooming prize?” Well, though we say so ourselves, we have really come up trumps this time, for the winner gets two tickets to the televised final of “Popstars the Rivals”. Yup, that’s right, two tickets to one of the hottest shows in town – now that really is something to tell your grandchildren.
Either way, as those who have entered before will tell you, all you have to do is fill in the form below, press the zap button and before you can say “Bob’s your uncle” your entry will appear here in flashing lights.
Some of the best…
Despite his dummy’s eyes and hands not working, Giles’ ventriloquist act went down very well.
Robbo
As a regular at these events, he asked Pedro if this party had been better than the balls. It quickly became apparent that the Spaniard had misunderstood.
Flash Frankie
As Pedro described what he would otherwise do to Giles’ genitals, Giles finally gave up his last cigarette.
Floody
Pedro – “Forget birds mate; I’ve got a vision of how good your nipples would feel in my fingers!!”
Pricey
Giles: “My mate’s no dummy – I just put my hands here to make him close his eyes”
Jeremy
Pedro: “That Floody keeps pinching my arse!”
Giles: “I know he’s as bent as a rusty nail” (true story)
Toby
…continued:
Giles: “…but it’s really because of that Toby bloke that I’m in this much pain.”
Pedro: “Oh yeah, he kept grabbing my gonads.”
(truer story)
Floody
As his arsehole reached the British Standard 10cm, Giles began to regret laughing at Pedro’s claims to have become a Jedi.
Pricey
Giles: “Eeeeeeh Pedro, Fat Sam’s bunked da speak easy, gotta keep low porkies forty days, forty nights. So they say, Chico and Danny splitters, so tell Jonny, nobody else. One for da money, two for da show, run wid dat money Pedro – buy low, sell high. Molitas, Tolitas, Tulpego, del fuego. Get da gist of da convo Pedro?” Pedro: “Que?… I from Barcelona.”
Giles
Giles: “If I tickle you on the neck will you put the handcuffs on again?”
Pedro: “Whatever you say, boss.”
Jeremy
Pedro: “Buenos pues. El pez fue tan grande!”
Pedro
And I shall call him… Mini Me
Knuckles
Joy turned to dismay for Pedro when he bumped into Viz legend Roger Mellie (the man on the telly) at a recent party. Having heard about how much Pedro admired his work, all Roger could say was “Bollocks!! Where’s my pint?”
Samuel
Hey… this gangster life is not so bad, but where are the women??? Oh well, lets enjoy a Fag…!!!!
Darty
Caption Competition V
1 November 2003 · Winner: Le Tache
WINNING CAPTION
In 1942, the RAF bombing of Germany became so fierce that even the pigs were issued with helmets.
– Le Tache
The Verdict
Noone is really sure who he is, but nevertheless, universal vote around the committee table declared Le Tache had cornered the fifth incarnation of the Tonsley Events Caption Competition.
The apt wit of his entry, “In 1942, the RAF bombing of Germany became so fierce that even the pigs were issued with helmets”, has secured the Sony Playstation and this has been donated to a child without one!
Thanks for your entries folks. Perhaps the next competition will take a slightly different slant… watch this space.
The Original Competition
Just when you think you’ve worn out the whole Caption Competition thing, someone comes along and feeds your camera with another bout of the ridiculous.
This time, we have a brand spanking Sony Playstation up for grabs! And if that’s not enough, we’ve got a selection of games to chuck in too to help you wind away those winter evenings when the weather keeps you in and all the BBC can muster is another Morse repeat.
You know how it works…enter your imaginative/witty/sympathetic captions below – you’ve nothing to lose!
Some of the best…
Now living together, Simon was not adverse to Ed taking a firm grip of his weapon.
Rob Bruce
After years of childhood bullying, Ed was delighted he could still convince his stupid friend to choose the bottle, helmet and tin shield over the gun.
Flash Frankie
As no trains had passed through for nearly an hour, Ed decided he’d have to use his gun to kill this irritating bastard.
Floody
Following years of inactivity, Woolfy finally got to use his helmet.
Jerry
Ed smiled wryly as he realized Woolfy was not going to play hide the helmet after all.
Robbo
You Stupid Boy!!!
Captain Mainwaring
In 1942, the RAF bombing of Germany became so fierce that even the pigs were issued with helmets.
Le Tache
World War Two helmet – 30 pounds
Bottle of Wine – 8 pounds
Waiters Outfit – 40 pounds
Finding a bullet in the gun – priceless.
Robbo
There was no doubting, it certainly was a fine weapon that Ed possessed, thought Woolfy. For years he’d always wondered why Ed had walked with a pronounced limp.
Duncan
Woolfy always enjoyed Ed’s Harry Enfield impression
Duncan
Realising that the 5.46 C56797 Thunderbird Drag train to Shepton Mallet had been delayed, Ed and Woolfy, two highly respected members of the Trowbridge Dungeons and Dragons society, briefly discarded their anoraks and filled the time by immersing themselves in their other passion for battle re-enactment.
Giles
Caption Competition VI
1 October 2004 · Winner: Giles Tebbitts
WINNING CAPTION
Skipper: “If you splice the mainbrace when the sun’s over the yardarm, you’ll be keeled over, three sheets to the wind and in the drink before you can say flibbertigibbert; so get down the hatch.”
Woolfy: “Skips, you’re beginning to talk my language!”
– Giles
The Verdict
Let’s just say, Gilo is the Tonsley resident comedian. People actually pay to see his shows.
The challengers weren’t exactly pro themselves, so he had all the advantages, and the experience of being a prior winner (Caption Competition IV above), so expectations were high.
Well done, Giles! Keep them coming.
The Original Competition
Well, it’s been a while since we’ve done one of these but, yet again, we’ve found the appropriate shot within our own archives!
There’s a brand spanking Sony Playstation up for grabs this time. And a shed load of games to go with it. Ok, a bit of a “classic” shall we say, but they sure don’t make ’em like they used to! And you don’t really enter these for the prizes now do you?!
So, clean off the dried ink and dip your nibs in the pot… enter your imaginative/witty/sympathetic captions below.
Some of the best…
If you don’t pay attention to where we are going, gay sailor boy, I am going to prick you with this needle…
Indy
Skipper: How many times? Put the coathanger down the front! I told you it would smart if you put it down the back. Shall I get the ointment….?
Simes
It soon became apparent that Woolfy’s stag-do needed to be an essential last-minute lesson on ‘the facts of life’.
Claire Bear
Skipper: “Seriously, I’m telling you, straight guys love them.”
Woolfy: “Yeah, weird.”
Jimmy Patterson
“…and if you crash it, I’ll grab your little weasel head and pull your teeth out, one by one.”
Smeagol
The Skipper tells Woofy what to do: “Sailing a yacht is like making love to a beautiful woman. First you climb on board. Next, you get full control of the rudder and then you ride her for all you are worth”. Wise words indeed!
Robbo
Skipper: “If you splice the mainbrace when the sun’s over the yardarm, you’ll be keeled over, three sheets to the wind and in the drink before you can say flibbertigibbert; so get down the hatch.”
Woolfy: “Skips, you’re beginning to talk my language!”
Giles
The salty Seadogs reminisce about another one that got away: “….and her tits were this big!”
Robbo
It was just then that it dawned on Woolfy: he was an hour and a half from dry land, alone with a strapping sailor making obscene hand gestures.
Giles
I tell you the truth Woolfy, I grabbed her with this hand and pinched her with this!
Fatman
Woolfy to Skipper: “Shut up, Nasser. Michael Vaughan is captain now!”
Robbo
Rehearsals begin in earnest for the chorus line of HMS Pinafore.
Rupert
Skipper: “So, one last time then, if I have 5 G&Ts over here and then I add another 3 G&Ts from here, how many does that make…?”
Woolfy: “Seriously Skip, just take this wheel back or I’ll probably hoy up all over your bloody G&T, alright…?”
Meccie-Man
And with the wire coming of my forehead directly connected to the jackstay, I can get the World Service right here on my fingertips!
Bishop of Exeter