Tonsley Fantasy League Competitions

Joe wins a pair of pink woolly gloves we stole from a child who once shook hands with Will Carling. (You don't really do this for the prizes do you? We'll come up with something decent next time.)

And special congratulations to Joe - not only finishing top of our league, but also 350th overall (someway removed from his 20th out of the 35,000 national teams a few weeks earlier, but nevertheless an impressive result). Also to Tom and Woolfy for piling on the pressure towards the end. Many teams pushed through the benchmark and beat the Tonsley XV League Team. Some blatantly fell to the back and resigned to wooden spoons. Check out the final league standings below.

A special mention to Rob, demonstrating a poor performance throughout with a stubborn insistence that James Hook was the fly half of choice - only saved from humiliation by a last gasp effort by Wales.

Regardless of the quality of the rugby and some spurious selections, there's no denying some exciting finishing games to churn up the team strategies.

We might tweak it a bit next time... bring on the World Cup!

Teams Entered:

Together, as a league, we also own our own benchmark side. Each league manager may choose a player for this side. League members should have received a log in and password to do this by separate email.

A great start for the the Tonsley Events league. A special mention must really go to Joe with his Tonsley Tornados who have not only blown the rest of the league into the weeds in topping the table, but actually taken up position 50 amongst the 33,806 teams nationwide (and only 3 points off the Metro Top 20 Leaderboard)!

Our league team, the TONSLEY XV, has served its purpose as a worthy benchmarker, sitting mid-way across the league with 80 points.

Meeting this benchmark were Mincers Munchers. Suffolk N Good weren't bad and the NaeNumpties were nae numpty neither. Paddys Cruisers had a good run while the Tonsley Tryhards broke the tonne. Large certainly were not small and the Hookers actually needed props (on that note, Woppa's Chip Shoppers would do well on a diet). Not even a nutshell separated KP from the Billy Bekas, both teams nudging The Mudges. At the top of the league, the Tornados caused havoc with Brown Wings tight behind.

However, below our benchmark TONSLEY XV was a slightly disappointing performance from the not-so-Gooders Ruckers. The Magnificent Sevens were eight men short and Harry Von Red-pigs were bloody indeed. The Tonsley Trymasters could learn a trick from the Tryhards. The Roosters needed their boosters, the Legends died young and Bath didn't clean up. Heaven's Game got lost somewhere in Purgatory while, also lacking direction, Egg Chase went round in circles. The Fazy Luckers did sweet FA and Geds Giants were badly measured. But, to cap it all, White got Stuffed.

And that was Week One. Don't forget to make your transfers for Week Two's matches by 5pm Friday (you're allowed three each).

As the top finishers this week, Joe (Tonsley Tornados) and Tom (Brown Wings) will each make one of the transfers for the TONSLEY XV league team. As a balancer, White Stuff's Simon can make the third!

Week One Summary:

Final Summary:

Well, it was debatably the best Rugby World Cup to date, but there is no doubt that the Tonsley Events Rugby World Cup Competition was equally enthralling to those who entered.

With so many surprises in the main tournament, the fanatasy game proved to be one of turmoil, frustration and excitement.

Inevitably, small silos emerged with positions in the league being fiercly contested (see the League Position Tracker below). Duncan, Claire, Floody and Rob all had a taste of leadership, but ultimately Joe took it home. Yet again, Joe showed class (luck) in challenging the national league - at one point he was comfortably within the top 100 of 30,000 teams nationally.

But it wasn't always easy-going. Indeed, at 4.56pm on the Thursday when final submissions had to be submitted, sneaky-beaky Joe, keeping things under his hat until the last minute as usual, found his hat was stuck on his head: the computer said "no" and IT were summoned in to save the day.

When queried about his spurious team selection, Woolfy pointed out that Porn Stars United selection policy was on the basis of "most likely porn-star names" rather than any ability on a rugby pitch, or indeed, any likelihood of being selected to play on a rugby pitch! His zero-maintenance tactic left him proudly commanding the bottom of the table with little challenge!

Meanwhile, slightly slower on the uptake and having smuggly made his Argentine selections at 7.55pm one night (and, yes, they were try-scoring too), Rob turned on the telly to find the second half was about to start! Whoops - GMT got you down Rob!? Nil points.

Well done to those who stuck with it. To those who like things a bit simpler, hang on in there for the Six Nations 2008.

Teams Entered:

The league moved to the Scrum fantasy game for its second season. The invitation promised a simpler interface and familiar rules, together with a Lucky Dip button for anyone unwilling - or unable - to select a sensible team.

Each manager could make up to 15 transfers during the competition, with a maximum of five between rounds. Kicker changes were unlimited. And an optional sweepstake was proposed this time.

After the opening weekend, Rob’s Tonsley Trymasters led the league, helped by a combination of try scorers, assists, successful kicks and man-of-the-match selections. Only a few missed out on Jonny Wilkinson's kicks and a disallowed Paul Sackey try separated the top from the bottom.

Round Three produced a particularly close Tonsley table. Pricey won the round despite having made only two transfers since the competition began. Giles came close without making any changes at all, proving that either confidence paid or laziness worked. Joe and Dan shared second place for the round with 77 points.

But... who was this mysterious entrant, Hookan Sinker with a team named War of Attrition? Turns out this was a spoof identity jointly (but surreptitiously) operated by Floody and Joe - ridiculing Rob's stubborn and ultimately disastrous loyalty to James Hook in 2007. They privately discussed the selections, while publicly preserving the mystery. The team rose gradually through the national ranks and finished the tournament with an impressive national ranking of 94th... comfortably topping the Tonsley league to win through.

Congratulations were also due to Woolfy as his fantasy side finally registered its first try during the penultimate weekend - more importantly, on the same day that his second daughter was born!

Results:

The familiar Scrum format returned: select 15 players and collect points for tries, kicks, man-of-the-match awards and even turning up. The Lucky Dip was still available for emergency team selection. This year, of course, there was greater significance and it should be known that various members of the Lions coaching staff expressed interest in Tonsley managers' ideas for selection.

Ed Bradbury produced the outstanding performance of the season and the league must bow to Bradbury’s brilliance.

Ed was ranked 21st out of more than 40,000 national entries and sat only 10 points behind the overall leader - a footstep away from clinching a Land Rover in the national competition!

Robert Bruce Senior was the only Tonsley manager capable of catching him by the final round, but Ed held on to triumphantly take the Tonsley title.

For some, we are told, there was a nauseous 10 months of waiting. Old-timers were pleased to hear there was little change. Newcomers were assured in the tried and tested: another Private League on Scrum.com's Fantasy Rugby site.

The invitation promised that there really was a prize - the same antique PlayStation the organisers had been trying to give away for ten years. Offers of alternative prizes were welcomed, with the additional promise that “the best prize gets a prize.”

Yes, another cracking year - thanks to all for joining an exciting tournament.

Congratulations to Tommo, finishing top of our league (come and get your playstation!) and to Ben Cuttle for sneaking in just behind. The mysterious Fluvius Junior put in a solid performance throughout but was tactically trapped in the end and settled for third.

Eddy Bradbury reappeared towards the end, but couldn't capture last year's form. There were also some late runs from Mike Bruce, John Flood and Robert Senior. Claire Bear clung on after an early peak in the first week.

As for the hosts, Floody and Rob recovered from a weak start. Alas, Joe never did - "IT problems" we are told (again). Even Woolfy 's traditional spoof team beat Joe's Giant Orca.

Some blatantly fell to the back and resigned to wooden spoons but you made some of the rest look better, so we thank you for that!

Check out the final league standings below. Oh, and the wee little trailer we used to get things started... it's time:

Results:

Ben Cuttle was sufficiently invested in the competition to ask whether it was happening before the invitations had even been sent.

The league returned on ESPNscrum, accompanied by a new Tonsley trailer (ridiculous... see below).

The final round developed into what Ben called a “fair scrap.” He endured yellow cards for James Hook and Ben Youngs, followed by three of his Irish players being substituted with fewer than two minutes remaining.

Meanwhile, Fluvius attempted a last-minute tactical masterstroke using appearance points, only for an assist elsewhere to cancel the advantage.

The final result was a tie between Ben Cuttle and Fluvius Junior. Ben had been runner-up in 2010 and declared that winning in 2011 was honour enough, so no prize was required (phew). Fluvius Junior might have been harder to track down (hmmm).

Had four years really passed since that manic 2007 competition?! Those who were about in the heady days of 2007 will have recalled a crazy competition on multiple levels. Well, 2011 instead used the reliable ESPN system that kept us entertained through the previous four Six Nations Competitions and, many were relieved to hear, this made 2011 therefore a tad simpler to play and keep up with... and everyone had learnt a trick or two about fantasy league since 2007 anyway.

We do know from our own records that Joe, Rob and Floody were all in contention in the final straight. Floody described Joe as “well placed for Wales and New Zealand”; With a restriction of 20 transfers throughout the tournament, Joe noted that Rob had used every remaining transfer and had “left nothing in the tank” though Floody thought Rob’s pack was likely to score well for 'appearances' (i.e. staying on the pitch), this as his possible “saving grace”; and Floody described his own approach as “high risk, kamikaze tactics” to grab the top slot.

The only hitch is, we can't remember who won! Maybe someone reading this might claim it?

Having only just emerged from the Rugby World Cup competition and, with a little respite over Christmas, Tonsley was back for its 6th Six Nations competition...

BIG congratulations go to Jamie, finishing comfortably top of our league, driven in the main by a FIRST PLACE position during Round 3. That was not just first place on Tonsley's table, but actually coming out on top of the whole ESPN competition (of 80,000 players) - here's the proof. A Tonsley first. But pure jammy fluke of course. He earned a rugby shirt from ESPN for his achievement, but would obviously rather have had a dusty old PlayStation from the Tonsley stash cupboard.

Dan Potter was next up, followed by the ever-mysterious Fluvius Junior. Joe deserves a special mention as the first to ever win a Tonsley competition and to then also to lose one (outright). What was it this time, Joe?

Results:

Another classic: the final afternoon coincided with England’s heavy defeat by Wales and produced a remarkably close Tonsley podium.

Martin “Taily” Twist, after years of lingering near the bottom of the table, proved that married life was less distracting and finally put some effort in to take the Tonsley title.

Joe Bruce’s Little Sheets finished second, with Robert Bruce Snr. taking bronze just two points behind Joe.

Robert blamed his result on selecting a kicker who did not actually kick - Morgan Parra - but graciously congratulated both Joe and Taily.

The 2014 competition again promised great fun, tense finishes and absolutely dreadful prizes.

As it turns out, it may have been great fun, but the finish remains tense - with no record in the corporate memory as to who won! - and therefore, irrelevant prizes anyway!

Maybe an archeologist will dig this one up, one day.

A major technological advance was introduced for 2015: live scoring could now be followed on a smartphone during the matches. This offered managers the opportunity to watch their carefully selected teams fall apart in real time. For some, this happened as many players were together anyway during the Tonsley Golf Society Winter Tour 2015, so abuse was point-blank.

Rob actually won in 2015, but nobody was very happy about that, so with unapologetic abuse of power, we kicked his team out the league. Well, actually, seeing that he was about to win - we faked an email from Huw B. Dunne of ESPN to tell Rob that his team had been successfully removed from the competition - and the 'click here if you didn't request this' linked him to a certain website of ill repute (not this one!) to really mess with his mind. It was fun at the time.

You’ve been training with the Six Nations game for years. Now clear out the bodies, commit yourself in the loose, go hard in the tackle.

Whoops - no record of the winner again! Who's in charge here??

2016 saw the 10th Annual Tonsley Six Nations Fantasy League.

And Floody took the trophy, with Tonsley Tryhards. All participants were asked to form an orderly queue to pay their respects.

No, ok, Richie didn't play this one. But we can't remember who actually did win it!

We do recall that ESPN’s fantasy system caused a few technical problems for some people (apparently!). Paul Bruce sought emergency help with team registration, while an accidentally neglected team called Scud Missiles performed surprisingly well without making any changes.

The longstanding Tonsley league player, Fluvius Junior, seems to have now found his voice and called his team Dogga Dogga Doh. A reasonable performer, but not a winner.

More memorable perhaps was the legendary 100-minute match between France and Wales, when Wales replacement tighthead prop Samson Lee was sent to the sin bin in the 82nd minute. Referee Wayne Barnes brandished the yellow card after Wales conceded consecutive penalties while defending a relentless series of French scrums right on their own try-line. Because the game dramatically stretched 20 minutes past the regular 80-minute mark, Samson Lee's 10-minute suspension completely expired while the ball was still continuously in play. In the 94th minute, he actually returned to the pitch to play for another six minutes. The chaotic extra-time period finally concluded in the 100th minute when French number eight Damien Chouly scored a try, handing France a dramatic 20-18 victory. Nuts.

Rob Bruce initially had difficulty registering his traditional Tonsley Trymasters name - causing great concern from all his friends, of course. Floody offered possible explanations, including the team’s previous performances, a newly imposed quality threshold and the fact that James Hook was no longer playing.

In his best performance to date, John Flood finished second, taking great joy in “beating at least all the Bruces”!

But it was Claire Flood who took the title, leaving John as runner-up and providing a solid year of Flood family bragging rights.

The thirteenth Tonsley Six Nations league began with the Friday-night opening match.

Wales took the Grand Slam, but perhaps most memorable was the final weekend's Calcutta Cup, which saw England with a record breaking margin at half time, only for an incredible comeback from Scotland in the second half, denied victory at the death by England - an astonishing draw 38-38.

Sadly, that seems to be what we remembered, rather than recording the winner of the Tonsley league! Oops.

Well, the Tonsley Six Nations came as a reliable tradition in a year when everything else seemed to be described as 'unprecedented'.

The pandemic interrupted the tournament and ESPN eventually treated the standings after Round Four as final, even though several real matches were still outstanding.

That put Ranulph Bruce on top, his first league victory and a fine example to his dad as to how to play!

The Six Nations was eventually completed in the autumn, but the original fantasy competition could not be finished normally. Joe subsequently worked through the missing results and claimed he had “done the maths and I would have won the fantasy league”.

Rules are rules, Joe.

Like almost everything else, the competition was different in 2021.

For the first time since the mid-noughties, Tonsley was forced to abandon the ESPN competition because the ESPN staff had seemingly all been furloughed! The league switched to the official Six Nations fantasy game, bringing a new scoring system, a larger budget and different restrictions on players from each nation.

Barney led much of the competition and ultimately won with room to spare, attributing the result to beginner’s luck and having far too much lockdown time available for team selection.

Jamie Bruce’s Tomahawks produced a huge late charge to finish second, just 30 points behind cousin Barney at 4,067.3 points, and that incredibly just 0.1 points ahead of his uncle Paul! Several other Bruces crowded the leading positions and dividing them, Claire and Floody at 5 and 6.

Meanwhile, a young James Flood adopted the innovative strategy of selecting his quota of England players and no players other nations: when queried on this, he said “I’m only interested in the England players”. Oh, I see. So why have you put all your English players on the bench then? “Well, I think they deserve a break.”

On the field, France completed a deserved Grand Slam. Off it, Archie secured the Tonsley title.

In his wake, but still 100 points behind, were great uncles Paul and Joe respectively, the other Bradbury Boys, Buster, Claire Bear's 'Boys Bear All', Floody close behind, Rob some way off that, and a trail of 10 more, including Barney (putting some truth to his humble admission of 'beginner's luck' in 2021).

The seventeenth Tonsley league returned on the official Six Nations platform.

After the opening weekend, Big Mikey found himself leading the league, which based on past performances was nothing short of a miracle.

Albeit, a short-lived miracle, with the usual suspects gathering speed behind over the next few rounds.

By the final weekend, Joe Bruce had launched a determined challenge to try and best Paul's comfortable lead. It was not enough and the younger brother was unable to catch up - describing this predicament as 'double irritating'.

Having obviously thought about nothing else for the last year, Joe invested disproportionately more time into the tournament than everyone else combined in order to right-the-wrong of his brother's 2023 win - and accordingly he took the crown back for 2024.

Having been leading after the penultimate weekend, Harold's Hippos had to settle for second, then Little House, Stinker's Jock Rotters (Paul B), Yetties, Warriors 2.0, and 2022's champion, Archie, in 7th... and the also rans thereafter if anyone had bothered to scroll further.

What started out under Fluvius Junior (in response to certain Tonsley cousins' double-hatting bonus teams) with teams 'Promise-a-Plenty', then 'To Be Conceived' (a 2011 joint winner), 2014's 'All In Good Time', and 2015's 'See You at Christmas', eventually evolved into James Flood's 2016 'Dummy Pass (from Fluvius)', 'Dogga Dogga Doh', and a collaboration with his sister as 'Tonsley Tots', 'GaGiGi', 'Boo and Bear'. But it was under his own team of 'Doonus Wanus' that he strode out alone, taking the lead on a tense final weekend to top the table!

Dad was next up, then Baz, Ed, Iain, Jamie, Taily, Paul (still a Stinker), Joe, Rob, Liam, and a few more bringing up the rear for whom we'll preserve some dignity.

For Tonsley's 20th anniversary tournament, and 10 years after his last championship, it was Floody back on top with 2500 points, putting James back in his place (2489), and then Claire Bear (2433) completing a Flood hattrick.

In a tight peleton at 3, 4 and 5 were Paul Bruce (Stinker's Jock Rotters with 2409), Tom Maidment (Little House with 2408) and Iain Fidler (Yetties with 2400).

It was uphill for everyone else, but 2027 is another year (and will bring a World Cup too!).