Winter 2009. Britain is in the grip of the harshest recession in the working lives of many Tonsley Time Tourists, plus one of the potentially wettest winters in living memory is taking hold. The lure of a wet weekend in Portsmouth was too much for most, and so the troops gathered to indulge their fantasies of a new era in British wartime history, namely the Battle of Trafalgar of 1815. Friday

Friday night in Portsmouth is not one for the faint hearted, and so it proved as the slackers made it in time for the traditional curtain raiser. Floody, Claire Bear, Joe, Georgie plus the newly conjoined pair of Messrs Dutton and Irvin were the first to be exposed to the rigours of the bargain Ibis Hotel in the centre of this historical town; little did we realise that Joe, in his efforts to expose us to the true rigours of life on board HMS Victory, had searched out the most cramped and squalid conditions in any paid accommodation in southern England. It was widely agreed that a trip to the ensuite bathroom was worse than a game of Twister in the dark.

An engaging dinner at a Spanish tapas bar (a chain well known to Claire) in the heart of 'downtown' Portsmouth was enjoyed by the early tourists; as the food appeared there was a universal feeling that one should never heed the recommendations of a student, but we considerately 'made-do'. Thereafter, there was an overwhelming sense of a need to go to bed for the older amongst us. However, having weighed up the nightclub option, it was decided that we should at least attempt to show the late arrivals that we still had some fire in our bellies - hence we opted for the local casino. Gaining admission was almost as hard as getting a British passport but, once in, Georgie showed the boys the extent of her errant youth by clocking up a sizeable profit, which Joe then eagerly pocketed 'to go towards the domestic bills'. It was never seen again.

Saturday

Saturday morning arrived with a great sense of anticipation; the remaining tourists arrived during the serving of breakfast, and it wasn't long before we were off towards the waterfront for the main event.

Right from the start of the day, the rumours surrounding Henri Woolf and her gradual decline in mental health were rife. After 5 years of marriage to Simon 'easy to live with' Woolf, it appears that not surprisingly her brain has slowly begun to close down. After the early excitement of being exposed to the main sail from HMS Victory laid out on the floor (and having watched the film playing above it) she was heard to wonder what the exactly the rug on the floor was all about. She was caught soon after escaping to Costa Coffee for a stimulatory fix.

Robert Bruce Snr had laid on a VIP tour of the ship and the surrounding museums, which provided a highly illuminating insight into Britain's former naval largesse, as well as the everyday living challenges of life on board tall ships in the 19th Century. We were treated to an engaging private 'lecture' by the Curator of the Portsmouth Museums, which led us all to realise that we probably all had relatives who had served on board HMS Victory - in particular a large number of shipmates from Staffordshire, who presumably couldn't believe their luck at swapping the drudgery and making bowls for shooting at French people. We were also shown round the private collections and some of the rarest artefacts from the Battle.

The day ended with a guided tour of HMS Victory itself - a hugely impressive 'reconstruction', only marginally tainted by the late revelation that around 65% of what we were seeing was 'non-genuine'.

Saturday night held the allure of another night in downtown Portsmouth, this time in the function room at one of the finest pubs on the waterfront. We were treated to an excellent meal, with the highlight being the presentation of full Tonsley Colours to our tour leader Robert Bruce Snr.

Sunday

Mikey Donaldson eventually made it down to breakfast on Sunday morning having sent for 27 catering size portions of butter to help him squeeze out of the bathroom in Room 316.
With considerable traces of a hangover, we said farewell to Mikey and Duts (part-timers and weekly boarders they are too). Once we had woken Taily and Melissa from their slumbers, we headed back to HM Dockyard to get a glimpse of the Royal Navy present. Action Stations! - we launched into our activity packed morning with a viewing of the film 'Command Approved' starring Jill Halfpenny (ex Biker Grove!), then as group we screamed our way through 'fly the movie' in helicopter simulator - embarrassingly Ed called for his mummy continually. We then split up and shot around the various stands chancing our arms at commanding a ship, flying a helicopter, firing a machine-gun etc. Finally ending up at the indoor climbing wall - where it was Claire Bear that registered the quickest time to the top - clearly used to escaping from Floody at speed.

We dashed back to Costa Coffee to keep Henri topped up with caffeine and radioed ahead for our high-speed rib. The weather was getting up and people needed no encouragement to look green. They were game if we were - and so to it.

Suited up and hanging on for dear life we were taken around the harbour to view the present Navy and then were thrown in all directions and completely drenched doing doughnuts mid-harbour. A great finale... until we broke down... luckily not far from land but nevertheless on the wrong side of the harbour to that we wanted. After a tow, whisky toddy and a period of drying out, we were returned to Portsmouth and from there we disbanded... "It's OK - Magpie was coming home!"

Thanks to all that toured and especially to Robert Snr, a worthy recipient of Tonsley colours.

Dutts / JB