The Tonsley Events Grand Prix 2003

Katy "1.2 litre" Lloyd

Having had her mirrors swiped off in some scummy part of Oxford several years ago, our first driver got quite used to the idea of not ever using them. She's been known to ferociously cut up unsuspecting old dears and to deliberately accelerate at zebra crossings.

Bit of a dark horse in this company though and one to watch in the chicanes - unforgiving and likely to put many others out of the race before she spins out herself.

James "fastest in reverse" Strenner

Our second driver spent many years in an ageing left-hand-drive Volkswagen Beetle which was more aerodynamic in reverse and could only be parked one way round on a hill to retain the contents of its fuel tank. Once involved in the high speed convoy of oarsmen returning to Oxford from the Wallingford boathouse, unknowingly chased by police helicopters and finally cornered off by armed Police on the Magdalen Bridge roundabout and searched for drugs. Strenner's involvement was limited to the first 500 yard stretch of the journey, not the actual "high speed" bit, but he did arrive in time to hear the story over breakfast!

Speed almost certainly an issue with this one - and likely to be confused with the lack of reverse option. Unlikely to threaten the grid.

Rob "which one's the clutch?" Oxley

The "quickest" car Rob has ever driven was Strenner's aforementioned Beetle, albeit unlicensed illegally down the Cowley Road. Everyone else was intoxicated but Rob's reactions were still the slowest. Always telling us how he intends to get a driving license, it is blatantly obvious he is incapable of any such feat. Affectionately known on the F1 circuit as "L-plates" (despite what he tells you otherwise). Rob's inclusion is certainly reason enough to have a St John's Ambulance on each hairpin.

Will almost certainly stall on the grid and spend the duration of the race holding up other drivers trying to lap the learner.

Sam "lean in" Hodgson

Now this may prove to be a bit of a challenge for Sam as he's normally found riding on two wheels. Screaming around on motorbikes is all very well but his actual car driving has been compared to Jeremy Clarkson's pet labrador. In fact, the last time he could ever have been said to competently progress on four wheels was with stabilisers on his BMX. And with some bitter London drivers on the grid who will be less bothered about moving out the way to spare their wing mirrors, burning up the middle of the track undertaking other cars ain't gonna work this time, pal! And let us not forget Isaac Newton's discovery in 1542: go kart + big bastard = slow.

Money on this one is simply paying the bookie's next holiday. A reckless gamble.

Robert "quicksilver" Bruce

Floody's 'poor relation', Rob has spent many years in the shadow of the legendary members of his family. Having on several occasions moved in on Flood's sloppy seconds, he has now even purchased Flood's old car! Probably the saving grace of his campaign to survive the infamous corners of The Raceway. Desperate to wangle his way onto the F1 circuit, he has spent the last couple of years tailing has-beens like Damon Hill even to the point of dying his hair grey to fit in with the old chuffers. Has been known to pay the timekeepers.

All talk.

Joseph "shopping trolley" Bruce

After a few small-time wins at Micky Mouse races, Joe got had become a bit cocky but in this company he is undoubtedly to suffer a confidence crisis. Probably not helped by the recent media reports of him causing long tailbacks of caravans and tractors during his recent "high speed testing session" in Shropshire. Looking pretty tired already, Joe's days are somewhat numbered on this circuit. Having recently traded in his sporty little Ford for a big grey shopping trolley, he could also be said to be losing the plot. His argument that the KMB (Kerb Mounting Button) on his gear stick will assure him a win, ultimately confirms this.

Claims to have taught Rob everything he knows. Nuff said.

Simon "Floody beat me last time" Woolf

With the added advantage of having driven this circuit once before, Woolfy may conjure up an early lead. But experience of last season will remind punters that his erratic driving (a direct consequence of the totty that line the Kings Road, his training circuit), has left him losing several places by spinning into the barrier. Reputed to have recently moved to Fulham to be closer to his training circuit. Unlikely to improve his driving but he'll almost certainly be fitter this season!

High risk bet. Best avoided.

Andrew "danger zone" Flood

Still ranting on about the rally pedigree of his bloody 80s GTI, Flood is a cocky one. However, with the added advantage of having selected a quarter of the grid based on their inability, he's sure to have a slight advantage. Dirty tricks are not unknown and other drivers should be vigilant of car swapping in the pits.

Nevertheless, odds-on favourite.

Niki "can't ride a bike, let alone drive a car" Day

Past seasons have seen Niki drive some outstanding cars, including BMW's and Land Cruisers, in teams with strong financial backing, however, repeated road rage incidents and illegal driving offences have meant investors have pulled out. Now seen with lesser "big hitting" teams in small Peugeots, she has often been seen cruising the wrong way down one-way streets in Knightsbridge.

Recent poor form has marred her historical record, and personal injury is sure to take the edge off her advantage - personal fitness. Totally unpredictable.

Andy "my Mum's Astra" Dart

Known for cruising past the Paget Arms, Loughborough, in his mum's green Astra Estate in an attempt to pick up chicks. Recently moved up North to avoid Devonshire Police, after members of the public in the Exeter area reported similar incidents of 4 men jumping out of a small black Renault Clio and dancing to the tunes of S Club 7, before driving off at high speeds.

His experience in the North will surely help those who can't start their cars. Has not perfected the northern Joyride style of driving and his Mum's Astra Estate is certainly indicative of his driving style. The only threat he poses is to the stereo system.

James "I used to drive a Green Goddess" Price

James is somewhat of a maverick who recently demonstrated fearless aggression and blatant disrespect for life in Afghanistan. His stories of heroic exploits riding quad bikes fearlessly into danger while firing a .50 machine gun from the hip, have been blown to pieces as media reports tell us he has been removed from all operational roles and can now be seen driving Green Goddesses in Bristol.

His aggression may well pose a threat, but it is thought that his Go Kart will be no faster than his fire engine.

Al "Miss Daisy" Muir

Al has an unfortunate reputation in driving like an old woman, and that is unkind to elderly drivers. He is always totally unaware of anything that goes on around him, is indecisive when reaching a junction and has driven the same clapped out white VW Golf for years. It was not so long ago that he was turned away from the Post Office after trying to apply for an OAP / Disabled parking permit.

A spokesman from United Biscuits (Al's workplace) was recently heard saying, "Alex's excessive weight problem would prove a serious disadvantage in a Go Kart; providing he was able to get in it in the first place". No hoper.

Phil "cat killer" Cotton

Phil has spent many years driving, his early days were spent in an orange VW Beetle. Known for his celebrations when doing a neat reverse park, Phil, in the early days is reputed to prey on women who have weaknesses for beetles - in a bid to win his girl, he even let her drive around public car parks while she was pissed and without a license. His sensible driving is sure to provide him a strong midfield place, however, Menorcan police are currently looking for a man who sings songs in his car while running over cats in the road.

Phil - the ladies choice, and sure to park his car neatest at the end of the race.

Marcus "Gawd help us, he's Italian" Bernie

Being an Italian one can guarantee three things when it comes to assessing Marcus' chances. He will be fast, furious and almost continuously out of control. If he manages to locate the brake, find some sedatives and point the thing in the right direction when he floors it, then the "Italian donkey" might yet surprise us all.

Unpredictable, uncompromising, uncontrollable and - barring something unbelievable happening - ultimately unlikely.

Peter "Mirror… Signal… Manoeuvre… " Bullock

This will be an interesting challenge for Peter. More used to driving his pre-war Mini Metro, he may find both the speed and handling of the modern vehicles a step too far. In his favour must be his fitness and durability, but against this his penchant for big roast dinners looks set to weigh down both the car and his ambitions.

An interesting each way bet, but unlikely to feature on the winner's podium unless it is to sing Elvis during the post match party. A little less conversation and little more action will be needed if he is to trouble the scorers.

Dillon Taily "Mr Safe" Evans

Rules are there for a purpose and so watch this fella around the track observing flags and translating them into semaphore. However don't be fooled into a false sense of security - this man may prove a surprise package, his low centre of gravity will balance well in the pro-kart and he is sure to throw the vehicle around like a rigid raid in Poole Harbour.

Steady form on the Italian tour - probably down the order but hard to budge and will go the distance

Adamski "Silver Sovereign" Hunt

He will do well, of that there is no doubt as he heralds from the F1 stable of McLaren. His car will be finely tuned on the Catalunya circuit, he will have attended practice sessions in Suzuka and danced the fandango in Hawaii. But the one thing that will come in his way between grid and podium will be whether he can avoid having his car stolen before the start of the race.

Real pedigree, disregard him at your peril.

Charlie "the plumber" Crichton

Providing the pits are warm, with hot running water, the roof doesn't leak and there's vibrations under his bonnet. This man is sure to fly around the track and get home asap. Otherwise he will trundle round in 3rd like he does on a Saturday afternoon on the wing. He is also bound to pick up a rainbow assortment of penalty flags.

The comprehensive schooling will put him in good stead but at fair - outclassed in this field.

Marky Mark - The Toowoomba Tornado

The great white shark of the race track showed great promise on his first outing in the North East last year. Being both competitive and quick on slicks should put this man on the podium. However his attraction to the limelight and media stage could be his distraction and downfall.

The pit girls' favourite - a showboating podium chance.

Jon "I've got my own helmet" De Jager

Jon's life tells a sad story of his struggle to be accepted on the race scene. With a past portfolio of cars to rival Jay Kay, for years Jon's effort to break into racing have been ignored by the circuit. His recent desperate attempt has seen him upgrade his standard Golf to in excess of 300 horse power and he now excitedly claims to have his own helmet. Witnesses have told of him using Clapham Common as a test track with a fastest laptime of 18.68 seconds from Battersea Rise back round to the end of the Avenue, via Clapham Common and Clapham South tube checkpoints. Sounds impressive until you discover Floody did sub-10 in his grandmother's Renault 5.

If his torque matched his talk, he might be a good bet. But it hasn't, it doesn't and it won't. A never quite has been.

Harriet "'white lines" Sugden

Harriet was the founder member of the Gloucester Girls Go-Faster Posse. However, her superior management skills brought her to London where she is renowned for being oblivious to any white line regulations. Now can be seen riding the chevrons in her Mazda MX5 near her regular haunts in Tooting.

A definite top finisher - boys and white lines beware.

Chris "5 cars in 2 years" Buchanan

An intolerable driver well known by the Oxford police for setting the challenge to see how many 'one-every-7-minute' Oxford to London coaches can be passed on a sprint down the M40. Currently single-handedly keeping the insurance industry afloat. However, be it a roundabout incident, the gearbox dropping out the bottom of the car, the accelerator becoming wedged to the floor, slamming into the back of some poor old git's Rover or any other of the multitude of Christopher's past incidents, the odds are on this one being a non-finisher.

And now, potentially even a non-starter: our sub on the bench.