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| Tonsley
Ski Team Tour de Tignes 2006 | | |
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| The
2006 Tonsley Ski Tour to Tignes began ridiculously early with a dawn meet at Gatwick
where tickets, Tonsley kit and luggage labels were handed out. A
logistical hitch at Chambery meant half the group travelled on a separate bus
and after the inevitable promise that our luggage would find us at the other end,
most of it did; on the other hand, some of it didn't leaving Giles Tebbitts uniquely
grateful for the retro ski kit day to come, since without it he would have had
no kit at all. Ever the gent, Giles bore his troubles with huge grace. | |
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Chalet Les Tavaillons was waiting warmly for us and
we were greeted by an eclectic looking chalet staff, seemingly without voices,
offering funny looking canapés and the news that 'Thursday is our night
off.' Well, that was clear then.
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After this somewhat inauspicious start, and team
visits to the photo booth, lift pass and ski hire shops, the
holiday really got with a rumbustious evening meal, and loud
opening proceedings. Rules & regulations were set out for
the feature awards of the Shiny Trombone (awarded for moments
of sheer class in the preceding 24 hours) and Dick of the Day
(which needs no further explanation), and the intrepid tour
party set about getting to know each other.
Up
early the following morning, we hit the slopes in range of directions and at a
range of paces, from the mountain goat to the novice. Conditions were good, edges
were sharp and the team were looking hot (on the whole). And so it continued for
much of the week. | |
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Tonsley Ski Team 2006 (back to front, left to
right): Lina, Victor, Rupert, Ant, Sarah, Giles, Pedro, Floody, Emma, Niki, James,
Eddie I, Anna, Ness, Christian, Claire, Lucilla, Jodie, Tim, Brutus, Woolfy and
Darty (and Paddy - too embarrassed to be in the same picture) |
We were blessed with good weather most of the time,
and when this was not the case it was because it was snowing, which only went
to make the following days even better, and of course allowed for the creation
of Dave The Snowman; it was around this time that the food in the chalet noticeably
improved and I am sure I was not alone in thinking that Dave #3 (or was it #4?)
was a notch up from the original Dave The Chef. As
ever, there were many tour highlights, too many to remember, let alone record
here in full, but a few golden memories include: -
The week long game of Murder initiated by Christian which incorporated every moveable
object in the chalet, some bizarre homicide locations and a trail of dead bodies
from mountain top to supermarket, resulting in Patrick winning through in the
survival of the fittest (or the most devious).
- Particularly
noteworthy were the arrival of Sarah as the Killer Smurf - a smiling little blue
assassin - and, the high point within a highpoint, and I believe the Champagne
Moment of the tour, the faked suicide by chocolate cake that Tim tricked Woolfy
into performing on himself.
- A second, even sneakier
game of Murder introduced by Lucilla leading to near apoplexy for an over-enthusiastic
Woolfy.
- The sheer class of the Retro Ski Kit day,
from prototype mobile phones, to lurid 'Opal Fruit Sick' patterned salopettes,
to Big Glasses. Truly, truly vile…
- There may
be only One Dave the Chef (thank the Lord) but it turned out there is more than
one form of Gibberish, as Gilo and Jodie discovered a shared interest in talking
bollocks.
- A classy night out at a local restaurant,
so good I have forgotten its name.
- A guided tour
around the local gay bar.
- The cooking on the day
the staff had off.
- Moving the same Tonsley Totty
top over five sets of breasts in the one evening, including one especially game
girl called Collette who got on all fours and actually growled for the camera.
- The
inexhaustible charm and good humour of Anthony Dutton, who had all day whilst
the rest of us were up the mountain to think up the next set of awkward, deeply
personal questions with which to interrogate people over dinner. To be fair, he
did also come up with some cracking drinking games!
All
in all, it was a terrific week. We survived every attempt to poison us and enjoyed
some excellent skiing. Many thanks to Floody for his organisation and conscientious
leadership, and now to the Reunion on 16 June! Rupert |
VIDEO
MONTAGES: | | | | | | |
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Hover over an image to see its caption. Click on the
image to see an enlargement. Alternatively, you can watch
the slideshow of all the images by clicking the button below. 
| Tap
in to the tour banter on the Noticeboard:  And
for the sake of completion, you can still download the official Tour Flyer and
32-page Tour Guide with all the details (click on the images to the right). And
for the record, herewith, all the pre-tour hype and team introductions: |
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THE TEAM
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| Simon
Woolf Tour connections:
Tonsley: one whole quarter
Married Floody's cousin… lucky boy.
As Woolfy declared on a cold and miserable
day in Chamonix, he is really only a fine weather skier these days. This March
trip will undoubtedly see him at his best therefore. Although quite how good his
best is remains open to debate.
Living in denial of all things 'Top Gun',
Woolfy will struggle with Eighties Day.
Ringleader of the notorious 'Ring
of Fire'. |
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| Giles
Tebbitts Tour
connections:
No less than 1,628 entries to Tonsley caption competitions
(per competition). A recent Time Team recruit. A
well-established member of the London Comedy Circuit, Giles is our resident stand-up
comedian. In this case though, Giles has been signed up entirely on the basis
of his linguistic aptitude. Following several trials of his 'Gibberish' language,
most notably in Rome where it was used to great effect in defusing verbal conflicts,
Giles appealed to Westminster to instigate a campaign for Gibberish to replace
Esperanto as the European Union's common-language. |
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| James
Strenner Tour connections:
Floody's flatmate and victim of household Tonsley
paraphernalia.
Emma's bad choice.
This
is not the first time Strenner has been associated with two planks. As a child,
his father told him that he was as thick as two short ones. Nevertheless, Strenner
takes to snow like a hippo does to mud: slowly, with a waddle and spends most
of the day submerged in it.
Known to befriend children on chair lifts before
chucking them off. |
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| Emma
Smith Tour connections:
Floody's
flatmate and admirer of household Tonsley paraphernalia.
Strenner's lucky
catch.
Emma is relatively
new to planks (bar, of course, the two short thick ones she goes out with). She
took to skis for the first time in 2005 but, alas, under the coaching of Strenner.
Her quest this year then must be to undo his bad teaching and learn from Floody.
Emma will look elegant on the slopes even if head-first in the deep.
A reluctant,
but inevitable, Tonsley Totty. |
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| Lucilla
Sharpe Tour connections:
Introduced care of Pedro, and thankfully his saving grace.
Previously
a Time Teamer.
A far
more useful bet for those seeking medical attention than the fraud of Pedro's
honoury 'doctorate'. That said, with an important skiing agenda to maintain, she's
probably more likely to plonk you down in the cinema room for the week than cast
your broken leg.
Apparently, "quite a good skier, alas not as good as
me" (Peter Bullock, 2005). We doubt it. |
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| Lina
Raether Tour connections:
Tonsley Totty (Ireland).
The reason we let Darty come.
Having
recently lived in the Emerald Isle, Lina comes to the tour in tip-top Guinness
drinking form.
Judging by her choice of man, she must be tolerant, great fun
and happy to live life on the edge (Pedro Sliders - take note!). By the looks
of things, she has a slightly better dress sense than her other half too.
Apparently a boarder. Oh well - can't have everything then. |
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| Jodie
Morgan Tour connections:
Tim's best asset.
Tonsley Totty (Thailand).
Jodie
is a welcome addition to the tour, not least because she's one of the few people
on this earth that can control Tim.
A bit of a dark horse on the slopes,
we suspect - claims to be "pretty crap", but probably just a cover up.
No stranger to an evening tipple or two and likely to keep the party going
long into the night. |
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| Claire
Loftus Tour connections:
Rupert's cousin. We
admire Claire's blind faith. She has no idea what she has really let herself in
for. Will she join the realm of nutters that frequent the Tonsley circuit or will
she in fact kill her cousin for dragging her into this madness? One way or another,
the pressure's on.
Famous for her role in that notorious banned Tango ad
(see photo). Yes, you'll know when you've been tangoed! You've been warned…
cover your ears. |
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| Ed
Irvin Tour connections:
Another
long term victim of Woolfy's childish ideas and therefore relatively unperplexed
by all things Tonsley. One-time resident of the infamous No.10 Tonsley Place.
Now found relative peace again over the road as Pedro's flatmate. Devout Time
Teamer. Eddie I likes his
skiing and is likely to be a difficult customer to please with a CV that includes
some of the finest resorts on our planet. In addition to skiing though, Ed's hobbies
include "reading" Loaded, commiserating with Chester City and fly catching
(see photo). Only dietary requirement is "plenty of beer". Truth be
told, Ed will drink everyone else under the table. No contest. |
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| Tim
Flynn Tour connections:
School
buddy of Rob and Floody and unsurprised observer of Tonsley developments. Jodie's
patient. With no limits to
Tonsley resource, we deployed our resident Army officer to Tignes with his troops
in January to recce the joint. Tim now claims he's "had enough bombing down
the slopes for one season" and is ready to "mince about on the baby
slopes". Hmmm.
Tim is probably the only man on earth that can rival
Woolfy for volume. In fact, it has been suggested that Tim should ski with an
avalanche warning sign strapped to his back. Best to take heed of the warning
in advance though and let him ski alone. |
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Andrew'Flood
Tour connections:
A
quarter of the Tonsley Events tomfoolery, considerably more of the brains. Floody
will happily listen to your tour commendations (while Woolfy will handle your
complaints).
Likes a quiet mountain and inclined to force his point by using
his poles as spears, attacking mountain undesirables. Yes, a dubious skiing style
but should run well in the Eighties session. Often wears his mother's trousers.
Also known as Gollum, Dobbie and Jar-Jar. How wude! |
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| Victor
Fauvelle Tour connections:
Anna's significant other.
At school with Rupert,
Brutus and Joe. (That's blown it.)
Renowned
for his verve and splendour, Victor skis with panache. He is also notorious for
taking huge lunches. Might rival Eddie I as tour drinker, but only if he can successfully
manage to navigate the slopes après-luncheon. Stay out of his way in the
afternoon as he has been known to wipe out entire ski classes without noticing
the impact. Unstoppable. Unforgivable. Bloody dangerous. Nice one. |
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| Anna
Fauvelle Tour connections:
Victor's boss.
Tonsley Totty at the ready.
Will
impress in a 'Crystal Carrington' ski outfit. Be warned though, she is the only
girl in a family of six - and her brother's aren't small!
Famous in the French
Alps for her incredible resource when the Chamonix triple-chair lift broke down
just short of the peak in 1998: determined not to waste an inch of the slope,
Anna monkey-barred the final 800 yards to the top along the cable. Genius. |
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| Ness
Dutton Tour connections:
Ant's wife/mother.
Tonsley Time Teamer. Tonsley
Totty (Germany).
One to watch,
Ness. With the kids at home and husband back at the chalet, Ness is on a free
run.
Thrives on chorus singing and, in particular, 'The Sound of Music'.
Should therefore feel very much at home in the mountains and dressed in curtains.
Yes, happy days: the hills are alive with the sound of Ness. (If Woolfy ever shuts
up.) |
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| Ant
Dutton Tour connections:
Ness' problem.
Tonsley Time Teamer.
Ant
has openly declared that he has no intention of skiing on this tour but will be
putting his resource to "good use" in "helping" the chalet
girl.
Not sure she'll be so taken with his take on 'ring of fire' (beans
induced).
Then again, not sure he'll be so taken when he discovers the chalet
is actually run by an elderly gay couple. Let's see how many cakes Ant bakes then! |
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| Andrew
Dart Tour connections:
Rob's
old uni-housemate and dedicated Tonsley party supporter.
Lina's project.
Looking forward to Eighties Day
as an excuse to wear his everyday ski wear without drawing verbal abuse.
Odds
on favourite to win the contest.
Darty's hobbies include sailing naked round
Lake Windermere and eating Pedigree Chum with a trowel. Nice. |
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| Pete
Bullock Tour connections:
Tonsley Veteran. Eddie I's flatmate. A doctor of sorts,
albeit not as useful as his girlfriend Lucilla. AKA
Dr Pedro Sliders, a name that originates from Pete's ski technique and his incredible
ability to slide into turns without cutting an edge. Rumour has it, he once skied
down a 6 kilometre run without once using his edges.
These days, more likely
to be seen sitting alone cross-legged on a precipice.
Renowned Elvis impersonator
and self declared "gigantic ponce". A little less conversation and a
little more action, please Pete. |
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| Rob
Bruce Tour connections:
Tonsley:
one whole quarter. Once known as
'Waddy' - now more likely to be found stuck in one. Nevertheless, Rob will come
to the party with all the gear. A snowboard for fresh powder, a snowboard for
icy pistes, a snowboard for state occasions and a snowboard for parking his arse
on the slope. Needless to say, with each board there will be matching jackets,
trousers and lippie together with an assortment of sunnies to match a variety
of snow and visibility conditions. All-in-all, 624 varied combinations of kit.
And that's just one of many kit obsessions… don't get him started on his
collection of hedge trimmers. Cantankerous old git. |
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| Paddy
Bruce Tour connections:
Tonsley
Events have exclusive rights to host his 21st birthday party in 2018 (sign up
now in the Future Events section). Paddy's
first shot at skiing will undoubtedly show up a number of apparent old-timers
here. Let's hope he takes after his mother and not his ageing Uncle Rob.
Indisputably
the tour's 'YT' and will no doubt impress in this department where the generations
that have gone before him have failed. Fearless fella and cheeky monkey. Stay
high and let him go first. |
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| Niki
Bruce Tour connections:
Tonsley:
one whole quarter's other half.
Ever indebted to Tonsley for the event where
she found her man.
Tonsley Totty (Canada).
A
bit like Liz Hurley, Niki has enough outfits for three changes a day. She's a
bit accident prone - we recommend a helmet (and brown knickers!).
Has been
known to appear in alpine Jacuzzis with a see-through Tonsley Totty top. Hence
the request for the chalet's hot tub.
Once parked her Smart Car in the Thames
- not so smart! |
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| Joe
Bruce Tour connections:
Another
quarter of Tonsley. Georgie B's other half (who, incidentally, has been left behind
to look after newly born Joe Junior!). Skiing
ponce - show, not skill. So much so, that he can often be found skiing in a kilt.
Fortunately, as an avid snow-plougher, Joe can't muster the speed to make this
a problem for easily-shocked, dainty skiers. That said, the wind did once catch
his kilt on a drag lift although the observer declared "nothing to report".
Likely to be central to all forfeit appointments, but strangely never take one
himself. Manipulative - be warned. |
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| Christian
Bruce Tour connections:
Joe's
niece, Rob's sister, Floody's cousin and Paddy's mum, she's connected to all the
best bits. Tonsley Totty (Menorca).
Has
the unique ability to be able to ski with her bum two inches off the ground -
a tactic she devised to minimise the pain of the fall. Despite this, she has the
ability of a Boa Constrictor to get herself into positions that will make your
eyes water. Don't, for goodness sake, challenge her to the cornflake packet game.
An insatiable appetite to giggle and a first-rate chocolate fool sucker! Clearly,
lots to learn here. |
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| James
Brotherton Tour connections:
Occasional guest at Tonsley parties - and always the last to leave.
At
school with Joe.
Riding out
to Tignes on a pink ticket from his wife, Brutus is on a free reign and therefore
likely to be little unpredictable, certainly uncontrollable and generally insubordinate.
Has since got rid of his camp moustache but apparently still skis with very
limp wrists. Eighties outfit will be interesting - if he understands the concept
and doesn't turn up in his MCC bufty trilby, blazer and slacks. |
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| Rupert
Bell Tour connections:
Another
of Joe's old school cronies.
An enthusiastic new Time Team recruit.
Rupert signed up to the Tonsley Time Team
for a "quiet weekend away", turning down tickets to Twickenham in the
process. He got quite the opposite but was clearly persuaded that a Tonsley Ski
Tour was going to be worth any such similar sacrifice, signing up in full on the
day of return. Bit of an unknown quantity on the slopes - cards held close to
his chest. Apparently he skis like he has a walnut stuck up his arse - hoarding
little squirrel! Usually the last one up. Rather partial to muffins. |
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